Rest in peace - JJ

Absolutely had been in awe of her stronghold - law and order, those socioeconomic pro-femme programmes like thottil thitam (baby hatch / cradles), magalir thittam, then a comfortable number of nursing rooms in public. Love love love her effortless calm and articulate speeches. The brave, bold one was such an inspiration to what a strong woman must be... 

Terrible terrible loss, her void can pretty much not be filled that easily and there's not every day history makes leaders who can meet the patriarchal sword with bravery... exude such charisma and poise...drive things with an iron fist.. A leader that inspires you... And would we have a leader who 'thinks' of women and their needs every other day?

The intensity of our CM's loss is apparent from the wave of despair displayed by the young and old alike. As I see interviews and statuses of grief flood my timelines - the gravity of the loss is sinking twice as hard and it's emptying my heart out.

And TN right now is not tantrum-ing like a child there's silent tears and decorum, probably displaying the deep respect and the irrevocable sense of loss.

May the soul of the iron woman rest in peace. You'd continue to live in our hearts forever, Iron woman.

Battlefield - Chennai floods

It is beguiling, overwhelming when your friend is taking a vacation snorkelling in white beaches, but your morning showers are itself a big deal, you crave to steal some precious me-time, you wish too look decent enough and not like some tattered rag which the wife cum mum role has turned you into  - then you've got an intelligent champ at home who has learnt to say 'dowwwwn' at the end of ring-a-ring-a roses.... you watch the baby and daddy read 'This is not my baby' book together, its okay you know, I can live another day all tattered tarnished looking for seeing this :)

It is pain stabbing to wade in murky waters, when the intelligentsia and fools alike are in various countries bearing various flags non-saffron-green-and-while where you don't have to constantly crib abt puddles and floods and more puddles. Then you realise half your relatives are in ankle deep waters at their home, half your colleagues are reliant on a hundred different transports and you stardusted, is a 20 min bike ride off to a dry place called home. Starts from work by 3pm and reaches now to write a post on Facebook :p ain't u one lucky bee?

There are days when you want to ask that woman pretending to working from home to shut the fuck up cos you know wfh is cooking, caring for the children cats and dogs and your billability clause doesn't agree to pay your salary for those hours of household chores, albeit you call yourself working. Then you realize that woman never had a mil who would cook your favourite meals especially bajjis to go with the rain <3

Time I've realised my gratitude is running low... Thankful for this wonderful family, job, fishes, fish-food cans and colorful owls even!

Her diary - its not so new

Its not new, the feeling of emptiness infused with colourful memories that once were; its not new - that rush of happiness on seeing your letters, with half-eaten words, which can slimly pass for a telegram, its not new - the pangs of jealousy which gurgles when anyone gets to be happy with you. It's not new, that feeling of love and hatred and love back again...

Its not new, to yearn if you'd love me too..

Friday, the thirteenth

There was a Friday, the thirteenth - it was scary, the first time we fought, that battle of words, when oblivion was lost and hurtfulness looped like a CD on repeat mode.

Today is a thirteenth of Friday too - silence has emptied the words out using a numb tongue. Intrusive silence, incoherent thoughts that broke that loud and hammering silence, and a feeble hollow heart - no hurtfulness to wipe off, a half fought leeward battle, nothing left to fight for..

Which seems more scarier?

Thought for the day - Diwali

I thought of you as I made the sweets, I thought of you as sweetness hit the roof of my mouth, I thought of you when I lasciviously yearned for more - I kept thinking of you into the night my dear weighing-machine! :p

You truly weigh me down.

Celestial love bodies

Her thoughts raced, she swiftly thought of a zillion things and etched endless pages in her diary. 'Your mind is rocketing like a meteor.. So quick.. So very quick', he offered - attempting to compliment her. 'Comet, not a meteor', she corrected him, 'I would only die out from orbiting you'

Signboards

You know these cute sign boards - the one that says 'spinster' with a cute pink crown when you take a girls-selfie.. That 'just married' on the rose-pinned car... Mushy 'do not disturb' at your honeymoon cottage.. 'Baby on board' peeping from the windshield when you're preggy and pumpkin.  When you're mum you just need a final one - 'everybody pls STFU'

Forget me not?

You know the people who suffered from amnesia? She envied them.. She suffered from anti-amnesia.. the inability to forget things.. the fragrances that enticed them, the stairwells they walked, the laughter they shared, the quiet possessiveness that gritted at the hearts like pumice against limestone.. the bifurcated roads they took at the end eventually.. then there was a whole new set of unforgettable things… the way their words pierced each other.. the way the importance was makeshift.. the way others were showered with care when she was let to decay like a log of wood by the river side which looked beautiful from the outside with moss mushrooms lovely colors - olive yellows deep-greens browns; so earthy and beautiful that no one realized it was rotting inside while putting up an appearance otherwise.. she wasn’t able to forget the way she missed the laughter… the warmth in that voice.. that playfulness in the words.. everything to the moon and back.. She wasn’t ready to forget things either..

She suffered from remembrance, as some suffered from forgetfulness.. 

Hers?

She walked through the old rusty office building where they'd once met. A flood of memory rushed through her...

It was bliss watching him walk through chaos like a quiet tune... freshness of spring in his face, coldness of winter in his heart and a flutter of autumn in his eyes. She drank in his quietness, until she came beside him, to remind he wasn't hers alone..

She pushed off the knives stabbing her heart and continued to think of him, yet again..

The disavowed love

She thought of him.. She thought of the various shades his eyes gleamed, reflecting her dupatta, as they met hers, myriad colours - especially white. His laughter, the child-like and cuteish one, that which made her wonder why she'd fallen in love with a boy. His quietness, and the times she wished he'd stopped for a breath.

Her mind raced through the fervency with which they fought, if fights were kisses they might have nipped each other a few times, seen a dozen hickeys or so.

She thought of him as she walked the rains.. sometimes as she bought a coffee at their favourite joint. Shirts at his favourite shops whispered his name - those pale blues yellows, checks, stripes everything under the sun - he looked ripping hot to her in everything, and in nothing. She thought of the hundred and twenty ways he kissed her without using his hands, and with.

She thought of everything but their future, as there was none. 

hateth thee

I hate

Barking dogs
Crinkling plastic bags
Coughing men
Dolby surround
Ringer mode
Doorbells
Cooker whistles
Clanking cutlery
Creaky latches
Banging doors
Shrilly women
Cuckoos to squirrels
Velcro to zippers

I just about hate anything that wakes my girl up, inclusive of you if you would. I love Pluto, I hope Earth and it's inhabitants understand.

Home sweet home!

So, it's home sweet home again! My little Chinky made a ruckus on seeing my in-laws cos they were new faces it seems. She wanted to be in my, my mother's, my aunt or manojs hands.. Its super interesting to note that human beings start developing trust at a very young age! As little as 4 odd months! Daily 6 a.m. she wakes up and wakes the whole household - am damn sure Amma is gonna miss my lil bubba big time. Bitter sweet.. Leaving mom.. Being with manoj...  Gawd. This too shall pass!

Touched

She wanted to hold him..

Maybe trace his square shoulders where his sweat laden crumpled cotton shirt hung not-so-loosely. She wanted to feel her fingers run through his hair cropped so short that it screamed summer!

She wanted to button his shirt down until the second just about enough to see the wheatish him suffused with his man-ish build...

She wanted to stage her fingers in small of his back... Him, looking into her eyes, him pushing a stubborn strand away from her face, as they talked unimportant things in the quietest of the lakes, under the darkest skies, the night only adorned by a few colored neons perhaps?

She then exhausted her love; touching him in the crowded marketplace, amidst loud hawkers, fuming hookahs and dull lightbulbs, only using her eyes.

Assumption

When you thought I was smart, I was trying to be indicative

When you thought I was clever, I was trying just to communicate

When you thought I was clingy, I was losing hard at evaluation.

When you thought I was angry, I was only concerned

When you thought you could assume, I was nothing but helpless

All Worthy

She cries for food, thirst, hunger and warmth; never wasting time and energy on the worthless.

She fights to get into my arms or her father's; never paying heed to unimportant people.

She's been the most vital source of comfort; never like anyone who can only be around for you intermittently

She's subtractive and non-manipulative; she's my unconditional love, even if not..

Stuck

Trying to write but all that streams is a lot of incoherent words..

Thank God for drafts, I am calling it a day...

Wishing you lost

I wish I'd never known you. I am so done with you and then I am not. Day & night, you stay by my side, doing more harm than good. Feeding more fire than you could. I sit back and wonder what u have done to me and the more it stares back at my face that you're absolutely not worth it.

You make me do things, acting like you are the caring one, I wish I really knew if u cared, ever; or was it another stunt the two-faced you can put up, tricking me into believing that being rude is being true.

My bad memory forgets that you position yourself before everything else; that your "I" pronounces loudly; that complying to others' wish means a joke to you. The battles I've fought were cos of you, letting you take precedence and letting you steer me through rough seas in a sinking boat.

I'll slowly but surely let you go, that will be the most painful parting you've seen, be warned.

I wish I'd never known you, my dearest ego.

The Prodigal Practitioner

A mans' almost on the top of you,
You try to scream and make a hue.

They torment you with atrocious acts;
Extort your money at the end of the pact.

You should file him for harassment -
Behind bars, have him sent.

But if that Prodigal practitioner is sweet;
Is visiting your Dentist then a treat? :O

So, one such fabulous affairs of the Bureau of Dentistry was endured by me today. Dental fear is said to be prevalent in almost all human forms that has decided to hit the Dentist (not that hitting) for scaling, crowning, implants, filling or whatever pseudo-techno name you add to it; and I was no exception to it! However, my dentists right from my teens, who told me not to fear about the injection they were about to plunge onto my gums, were sweet men! On a random add, seems according to a survey by the “Time Mag", 59% of Americans would sit in a Dentist’s chair than to someone on a cell phone. These Americans have been consistently crazy right? *Applause*

"Good evening Doctor"
"Please", he shows me to the chair. 
I ease myself out. 
"Are you comfortable?"
Why not?  I add to my thought cloud. Why don't we switch places and I do the prodding about your mouth? :P BUT I dont say all that out, instead I smile and say - "Yeah".
*prodding begins* *scratch scratch... zzzuzzz... some water sprays.. :-/ *
"Do you feel any discomfort", he asks me.
I shake my head - NO.
Any sensitivity?
I shake my head. THAT very moment he hits my insissors at a hyper-sensitive spot. I cringe involuntarily! (Gawd, this is yuckier than those injections, oral anasthesia administered then doesnt helps your sensitivity one bit, I so learnt."Holy fucked up shittttttttt", I swear mentally)
"Oh, you're feeling a little sensitivity is it?" he questions. 
I sign - LITTLE. (How on earth he expects me to answer with a tube hanging at my mouth? *cries*)

He says, okay now I will do it slow and.. he does it REAL carefully that I can't barely feel a thing! Now I start doubting if he is actually scaling or chumma pretending! *meh* 40 minutes later, he finishes the WHOLE procedure and gives me one kind of a sweet s-m-i-l-e. SIGH. I cant wait for my next dental appointment already! :P

Then, he adds, "Say a hello to father"
AARGGH!!

Why do all smart men have to be family friends?  *runs away*

Love - Falling in or Falling out?

There are somedays when you are PMSed the most -

Then you question - "Do they even care?"

There are somedays when cooking-chores-cuddles lay brushed aside, 

Then you question - "Didn't you give it your all?"

There are somedays when you wanna wring everything about marriage, 

Then you question - "Did you expect resurrection and miracles?"

There are somedays when you answer the above as affirmative. 

Then you question - "Do I know not my love?"

There are manydays you overlook all the questions;

And you answer - "gam zeh ya’avor, gam zeh ya’avor"

Ever diligently,

Married and Workin'

Why this Kolaveri di?

Rather question should be "When the Kolaveri di" instead of why. And answer being: It is then - When some one asks you...

1. Enna Samayal Veet'la?

Okay. I have no need to get all worked up for such a harmless question, except for it happens in the weird times. Some festive day when you are supposed to prepare a 5 course lunch, you did "the blunder" of coming up just with the Main course of a sambhar and sabji to go along with rice.

The caller at the other end of the phone is absolutely appalled at how I could be so nonchalant by not making that rasam, how could ever a festive lunch not end with paayasam. NO amount of "I was not feeling well" soothes the caller. The caller is COMATOSE! I am perceived as the black sheep that has fallen into the Khandhaan/clan/friend group.

Hey Caller,
I do my share of cooking. I do it without the help of my motherinlaw, cook and my husband. I do it not for the heck of it, but for the pleasure of it. Therefore, Caller, when I have stopped at course one, it means there is something seriously wrong with my immune system and not my thought system.

2. Oh both of you are earning then what's the delay in buying that Flat on area so and so? 

Hey hey hey, did the weather man by any chance say it's raining gold in my field? I, SO, appreciate your concern and all that. But more than concern, good intentions, all we need today is - Money? Nah, it was money back in Year 1977 when Abba sung - "Money Money Money". All I rather need now is PEACE. Take up a jar, fill all the big rocks, top it up with small ones - Voila you have completed the exercise with pomp and valour, sadly that is not life. More big rocks, more you hit the rock.

3. Hey, so any good news?

I am SO darn tempted to say - Yeah Kanimozhi is released which is certainly some good news to the DMK party, but inversely is not to the ADMK or something along those lines. I would SO love to add another clause before I end and say - hey you, are you gonna be around to change diapers for my baby? Or buy Lactogen? how about cleaning up and baby laundry? At least, are you helping me with the school tuition fund? - Nope? You sure you're not gonna help me with any of the above? Not one? - Then Go Fish.

Dissenting opinion here is - this is not some stone-age age to have a dozen kids and not bringing up any of them. Letting them to fend for theirselves - calling it supremely - survival of the fittest? Absolute no. I know my dad mom gave me the best in ALL (education, vacation and most importantly TIME). They never hurried me into the world. Would I succumb to the whims of some abc whom I see once in a blue moon at some goddamed party. NO.

That dejected nose-ring-wearing nosy Aunty, who gasped when I said "We will plan for a baby after own-house, promotion and an abroad vacation" can take a walk now, cos I have achieved 2 of 3 ;)

Women these days know what they are doing. Sheeks! 

That SO kills people.

4. You have been working for almost three years, No plans of changing jobs? 

Throw a question for a question - or that's how Newton’s third law works - "Why does me being in a happy job kill you?" So, you don’t have an answer? That's rather cos you have been laboring all your life, never known the meaning of work or 'learning' things while at work. You have been shifting quite some number of companies, to draw some fat pay cheque. One fine day your reportee retorts to his colleague- There goes the shit head who never stayed long enough nowhere to learn the job?

Being happy and being complacent are two different things.

Go figure!

5. She is always on Facebook.

Duh. Question in statement format. I can afford to be on face book. I do my chores, my cooking, my office work. Meet my friends, relatives, ex-colleagues. Go out to malls, to swim, to the Library. Read my share of newspapers, novels, technical material. Spend super quality time with my hubby, parents, my doggie. And hell yeah - I am on Facebook. Kills ya?

Then comes, the I-am-not-complaining-no-more. :D

tee-hee!! That is some sort of disappointment for all those who waited for the rest 15 odd kolaveris!! Of course there are people who irritate you on the lift pushing the buttons too many a time. Guy who honks more than he drives. People applauding the Kolaveri song. Colleague, who says - Oh you are married, when you for once are looking like a beer jug. Ah!

Apparently those are poquito kolaveris that can be neglected! ;) Limit x tends to zero sorts! So, I am done cribbing, I am off to spend some happy happy moments with my friends at KFC! ;) Long live the chicks and the chickens! woo hoo!!

until next time,

K