The runaway girl

You don't like crowds, a public address is your worst fear, you grit your teeth amidst heavy breath finish that last line of your speech and 'run away', gallop sprint whatever that takes you back to normalcy - Running away to gooey safety?

Your boyfriend of eight years, cinematically belongs to a different caste, you pack your bags and 'run away' to catch that train tickets-less, heavy wrench in your heart as the home draws away as the train chugs and mutters off the station. Running away to a better future?

The clock ticks towards 6pm, the route would get maniacally traffic infested in a few minutes more, you wait wary of that **** beside you whose only purpose of existence is to see if you are there. You run away, when it's not looking, into corridors and lift bays and cemented pavement blocks like an unleashed blood hound, into that cab that's waiting for you!  Running away to pure happiness - drama that happens every single weekday at the desktop. :p

2016 - books read

Jaya - Devdutt Pattanaik
My Gita - Devdutt Pattanaik
The Scarlett letter - Nathaniel Hawthorne
Picture of Dorian Gray - Oscar Wilde
Adultery - Paulo Coelho
50 shades *head desk*
Hornet's flight - Ken Follet
Matarese countdown - Robert Ludlum
Emma - Jane Austen
The Time traveller's wife - Audrey Niffenenger
Art of war - Sun Tzu *eww*
The Beggar maid - Alice Munro

Planned sick leaves

Planned sick leaves are the best things ever, haha! Because we are having a major mom and daughter cuddle ;)

remember these kutti newborns who just start recognising faces, purr and coo at the elders and elders instantly from somewhere say "ungaaa sollunga" and baby goes 'ngaa..' and voila major achievement! Haha

So me and Rhea today -
Me - cuddling her in a newborn position.. "Unga sollunga ma..."
R - "unga solla maaten" no, I won't say ungaaa. Theliva. Narukkunu. Nachinnu lol.

Then I cuddled and tickled and horsed around with her until she complied and said "unga" bursting with the toddler laughter, expecting the toddler tickles from mummy, Fridays be like this, extended, fun and planned-sick forever ;)

Rest in peace - JJ

Absolutely had been in awe of her stronghold - law and order, those socioeconomic pro-femme programmes like thottil thitam (baby hatch / cradles), magalir thittam, then a comfortable number of nursing rooms in public. Love love love her effortless calm and articulate speeches. The brave, bold one was such an inspiration to what a strong woman must be... 

Terrible terrible loss, her void can pretty much not be filled that easily and there's not every day history makes leaders who can meet the patriarchal sword with bravery... exude such charisma and poise...drive things with an iron fist.. A leader that inspires you... And would we have a leader who 'thinks' of women and their needs every other day?

The intensity of our CM's loss is apparent from the wave of despair displayed by the young and old alike. As I see interviews and statuses of grief flood my timelines - the gravity of the loss is sinking twice as hard and it's emptying my heart out.

And TN right now is not tantrum-ing like a child there's silent tears and decorum, probably displaying the deep respect and the irrevocable sense of loss.

May the soul of the iron woman rest in peace. You'd continue to live in our hearts forever, Iron woman.

Thanks giving!

Thank you mighty fella for that job, fooood and one lovable BIG family inclusive of two mothers - Amma and athai, dozens of cousins aunts uncles, one awesome thatha, three darling sisters, that bestest brother ever, zealous 50 something dad, cute chottus, few fishes, a couple of birds, three dogs, and that stray cat who HAS to steal fish from my kitchen counter :) and especially for that very patient husband and a cute little sandakari who is SUCH a rainbow amidst sunny skies! You guys are the best!

Bed time tale

So it's around 10pm and we're trying to sleep - daughter and mother, while the dad is happy glued to the TV in the living. The night weaned little R is on my tummy, singing rhymes, talking to me or to herself, finding a hundred ways to go out of the bedroom. Slowly she submits to the sleep mood and says -

R - Amma, thendrale paadu? (Amma sing Thendrale - a song from kaadal desam, which apparently is our lullaby)
Me - worked out about a 101 things not really in the mood to sing a lullaby or whatever, still I start.. "Thendrale Thendrale mella ni veesu.." The for the next stanza I stop singing the lyrics and shift into humming.. Better no, don't want to sing just hum? Win win?
R - Amma, Amma?
Me - enna ma? (What baby?)
R - "Thendrale paada venam" (pls don't sing)
Me - shocked "yen ma appdi soninga???" (Why did u say that baby!!!) And we slipped into a LOT of cuddles and tickles for shushing mum...

A few mins later, she gives me another chance..
R - Amma paadu (Am#ma sing...)

Haha. Makes me feel like Lata Mangeshkar :p every other night! :p so I'd better perform well? 

Amma, carry me

It's incredulous how well little ones can soak up. Well, this happened at home last month

Week 1 -
Every single day. Mind you, every. Single. Day. She will ask me to carry her 'only' when I'm at the kitchen, cooking. And it would evoke a standard conversation

Little R - "Amma thooku" (carry me)
Me - picking a laddle in one hand and a kitchen towel, the nearest that I can grab quickly in the other, would exclaim - "Amma hands finish. Indhakaila karandi irukku, indha kaila cloth irukku, epdi thooka mudiyum?"
R - some tantrum
Me - some compromise

Finally we would decide to do some activity, she would agree to read a book sitting on the kitchen counter, far away from the stove knives and all that; or say would want to peel koondu (ie poondu ie garlic) or we'd do any of the quick Montessori activities until I finish cooking.

Week 2 -
R - "Amma thooku"
Me - "Amma hands finish. Indhakaila karandi irukku, indha kaila cloth irukku, epdi thooka mudiyum?"
R - throws both her hands up in the air and retorts - "ippdi thooka mudiyum" - you can carry like this \o/

Week 3 -
I am cooking, Rhea is in the kitchen too, opening a few of the kitchen cupboards, that which she can reach. I can hear her talking to herself - "samaikkum podhu, epdi thooka mudiyum?" and pays no attention to me.
Me - hehe, so there little woman!

Week 4 -
I am cooking, little Missy is nowhere near, I finish cooking and turn the stove off. I hear a voice
R - "Amma, samachu mudichittiya? Ippo thooku"
Me - *shocked*

Then we horsed around and of course, I ended up carrying her, for how long is the little one going to be carry-able I know not :)

Bricks and stones!

If I were CEO or CIO I'd recommend all the managers to watch 'Scent of a woman' and pay attention to the part where Al Pacino says - "There's nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. No prosthetic for that." Understand and imbibe and then go back to being the ***h*** you always were! :p

Screening of 'Scent of a woman' - mandatory Classroom learning :p

Footnote - If I were a principal or correspondent, I'll say this to my fellow teachers too!

Who changed the menu?

I loved to cook and prided myself on making 'the' awesomest kheema biryani, nasi lemak and fish cutlets! But today I whole heartedly love cooking these instead -

Beetroot rice
Spinach and corn wheat toast
Mushroom stir fry <3
Yard long beans - paneer poriyal
Stuffed channa paratha!
Thayirsadam
Ragi dosa with onion & thenga mammam!

No prizes for guessing who changed the menu. #lovebeingma

Mumnesia

There's so much blankness alongside being a mother.

Rhea is all 'dohiiing dohiiing' these days and I was stuck with a red crayon unable to think beyond an apple and a flower in red. Squeezed those sad neurons and finally I drew a (lame) red bucket :/ After I give the book to her I think of strawberries, red chillies, fire engine and all that :/

This temporary memory loss can only be called #Mumnesia

Difficulty level?

So daughter loves saying these complex or difficult words like they're easy peasy at 1.5y now.

Custard apple
Strawberry
Watermelon
Pineapple
Crocodile
Baby-carrier
Bulldozer
Concrete-mixer
Japanese fan etc

So there are these soft toys - a sheep, a fish, a duck and the favorite one of hers apparently is her 'Doremon'.

That's about difficult it can get!

Two words - FO

Is it a problem when people see the world in blacks and whites?

Yeah I am not Krishna of Kurushetra who saw the world to be fluid with whites in the black heart or blacks in a white heart. I was Karna who felt like a victim being talented and of royal blood but circumstances all working against him, hence I have the rights to be cynical. And apparently I see black or white. No grays. That's how most of the world is binary -  married/unmarried (you can never say 90% married right? Or if you can I am not you.)

Then there are people who still baffle all the thirty years of me with the big time BS about being there for me while only being judgemental or critical or prejudiced.

What friend could a prejudiced person be? What friend would always judge you? What friend would not trust you and say I trusted you but you failed me? I would only call these relations toxic and move off from them without a word. Is that bad? Isn't that good for my heart? Does that stop me from wanting to kill myself  for allowing me to be backstabbed? Yes, it does.

I can't see any white in that blackness anymore. I am blind - emotionally blind.

And I only have two words for the hypocrites - fuck off.

Indian function junctions

It's SAD that we HAVE to attend fat Indian weddings all the time to make them look fat - I really wish we throw all those long strenuous weddings, poojas related to funerals and everything one fine day. Just like that. Out of the window. And let people marry or die quietly.. in peace. Sorry for being blunt but the rites do take my life away - I have been in and out of multiple schools and colleges and I am in touch with my 1st grade to college kinda friends and it's too much of an askance when everyone gets touchy about the priorities of their function - be at Xs place for onam, Ys child's birthday, someone's 40th, 5th, 7th, first/second/gay wedding or even I something like am-gonna-die please be there to take a selfie type invite?! Uffffff

It's okay. Invite me. But hey I do have other plans also remember? I may even have to wash truckloads of clothes this weekend and i am not practically chilling out. My idea of chilling out could be curling up with a book and sloshing the whole weekend at home? Or yes I may want to be that friend of mine?! So don't get touchy if I say no I really can't take this invite...

I hate when I have to lie to your RSVP!

Your knowledge on that new mum who works?

That she could smell of a little wee, lotion and lots of  greasy stuff. That you assume she is not available all the eight hours at work, but she is and her work is time away from her new born nursling. And most important that you'd know is she may not have given the bottle to her child yet. She may be nursing? She may be an expressing mom. So managers and recruiters there is a little equipment that you should know about - the breast pump. That which helps your employee work without compromising on her nutritive value as a mother. Why should you know about it? Else it gets plain annoying.

There are women who express who use that coffee break and lunch hour to step out to the nursing room with half a pound equipment and 8oz bottles. Your lack of knowledge could bring you to spew umpteen questions which may make a new mom shy away, why even from nursing? Well there are mums who take this -  'what's this equipment', 'where were you so long' questions so lightly and then there are not.

Sometimes I believe this should also be as a part of learning in "leaves section" or say what to expect when recruiting an employer back from her maternity somewhere in the books - so that managers ARE really equipped enough to understand these nuances much better. In my case - there used to be bag checks, I was working at two tandem locations, one location had all the security staff knowing what a breast pump is, made it so easy. So this lady will check my bag come across pump ask me "baby ka madam" for the baby? I say yeah they leave me. That's all. At another location I have to give this whole description about how a breast pump works, and no, it's not an equipment using which I can steal your code, no no it doesn't go into the baggage room I need my PISA with me. You know how annoying that gets?

Brings back memories :) and yeah this was a comment to a friend which was long enough to go to my blog, and it has gone blogpost now :)

How CB made me blog at midnight!

*The Chetan inspired me to blog at midnight post*

I read this http://www.comedyflavors.com/chetan-bhagats-suggestion-for-women-to-reduce-stress-will-touch-your-soul/
and my fingers flurried quite quickly to finish a blog post! Thank you CB.

While CB can't write for 4 kaasu. (I mean I write better. Then why am I not an author? That's cuz I am friggin lazy) He has found a nice way to market him - his advice mazhai to women annoys me.

While it's deemed good, you do the math about the educated/uneducated, below/above poverty line types of women in India, tell me how many are skimming their Android mobiles right now?

All this is more toward the urban stepped up independent woman who happened to have her Monday blue even on Thursdays and Fridays. Somebody please hand me a knife, I wanna kill myself.

// the talk I want to have with him //

Him - Mil doesn’t like you? That’s her problem.

Me - If I have a husband who beats me back and blue as I've insulted his pyaari maa whose problem would it be?

Him - Two, if you are doing a good job at work and your boss doesn’t value you -tell him that, or quit. Talented, hard-working people are much in demand.

Me - seriously?

Him - Three, educate yourself, learn skills, network – figure out ways to be economically independent.

Me - I was economically independent, but in point 2 you told me to quit it when the going got tough. I, upon your word, quit my job and now I can't find another. The pauper-me has to piggyback someone to network now. Any idea how much a cold coffee and bus ticket costs these days?

Him - Four, It is okay if you don’t work until midnight and don’t get a promotion. Nobody remembers their job designation on their dying day.

Me - Wait, what if I knew how to manage my work within 8 hrs and get promoted? Is this a glib way of saying women have to be complacent with mediocrity? Seriously? Why only a woman is an employee and a mother? The man could be a father too you know? Please shove your advices to men too. It's not about who wears the pants - it's my bread as much as it was his. There are no cave women these days who were pulled around by their husbands by their hair.  There are women who are ambitious, who have dreams, don't belittle them or worse make them feel like jerks for embracing their career as much as their personal lives.

Him - Your neighbor may make a six-dabba tiffin for her husband, you don’t – big deal.

Me - To a large percentage of the population a meal a day seems like gourmandizing, there's hand-me-down clothes, ignorance of she-cups. IMO you've cut a tiny piece of the Great Indian cake and made an pointless stereotypical comparison.

PS - You should take my advice and plan for the next competitive exam, just so you know "Nobody remembers their qualifications or glorified schools on their dying day" either.

Kannukku maiye azhagu

*growing up woes*

So my daughter comes to me with a kajal stick and says 'Amma.. Amma.. maiye' (Amma.. Amma.. kohl) with an expression that she wants to wear it.
Me - *shocked* as I never make her wear kohl or anything and this little woman has been watching how mum's dressing up. So I say, "kanna kaatu" (show me your eyes..)
She rolls her eyes and allows me to smear a little kohl on both the eyes.
Little Missy, then points to my forehead and says, 'Amma...totttttu..totttu' (Pottu...ie bindi)
Me - *shocked again* as I never make her wear bindi either. So, I take the bindi from my forehead and put it on hers.
She goes away happily, leaving Amma thoughtful that her little one is growing crazy fast!

My little sweetheart,
There was a time when your hunger pang or a wet nappy discomfiture was only a shrill cry, there was a time when your only reflex was a snug-latch, today you've grown all BIG to ask me what you want with that limited vocabulary of yours? However BIG you grow up to be you'll always be my teenie-weenie little sweet-pea #15m
Amma :)

Spotlight - short crib (review)

Spotlight - has incredulously done the job of making us go numb knowing about Child sexual abuse that happens in the churches in the stronghold of the catholic archdiocese; where power money and the name of lord can shut up the victims of abuse and the whole fuckery of the system.

Absolutely incredible considering the fact they could've easily gone awry with a weak screenplay. But when Good Friday is when you choose to watch such a movie, you'll even begin to doubt the Easter bunnies and become all the more sceptical about throes of religion god and holy wars.

Sigh.

Nah, not a crush

She thought it was a phase. They called him her crush. Feeling warm by his side, giggling to his quips, feeling alive. Others may have branded it flirting, she didn't care about brands for that matter. She knew his travel would put them in inevitable positions they are not gonna talk with each other every other day, his voice would become distant and faint eventually, his warmth would dip a few degrees - perhaps the cold shoulder would start showing in and so forth. But none of it happened. Of course their togetherness was halved or quartered, the calls became less, but when they spoke receivers dripped affection - trickle, trickle, trickle.

There weren't any rush of hormones, deliveries of flowers or heart shaped chocolates, there was only a soft soothing "phantom" hand that ran through her hair, a pillow in his place, a hug, which she imagined, was possibly less warmer than what must have really been.

Distance didn't matter, time didn't matter, their inhibitions towards opening up as neither could own each other did. Their story didn't need a villain - they were enough to hold it down and sweep it under the rugs. The said 'no' before they could think 'yes'.

He wasnt her crush. He was her love. He was more than her love in fact, as he could never be one in the first place.